I work in the marketing department of Goldberg Jones, a prominent West Coast law firm specializing in family law with a focus on men and fathers rights. In my position, I have had the opportunity to observe many of the issues that arise for fathers during a divorce and the impact that they can have on children.
As a husband and father myself, a lot of what I have seen has resonated strongly for me. I was asked to write a more technical instructional post on “co-parenting” for our Portland office’s blog but as I began to write, the piece evolved into more of an editorial based on my experiences and observations. Since I’m not a lawyer, editorializing on a law blog probably isn’t the best place to share my observations but everyone in the firm liked the piece and urged me to find another way to go about sharing it. The Good Men Project seemed like the perfect fit.
One of the most common refrains I hear from people, even years after their divorce, is that they are not yet where they want to be. They offer up reasons – financial, emotional, situational – that they are unable to escape the rapacious quicksand of the past.
And yet when I dig deeper, I find that they are indeed doing many of the right things.
Just not necessarily in the right order.
Because when it comes to moving on after divorce (How Do You Know When You’ve Moved On After Divorce?), you have to learn to stand before you can attempt to run from your past and into your future.
It’s easy to try to skip steps and to believe you are ready to take on the world before it’s time. Goodness knows, I did plenty of that myself. We want so badly to be done with the healing already…
How do I dare put those two words in the same title? I dare because they belong together. How so? Divorce can often bring with it enormous pain, difficulty, fear, uncertainty, anger, and sadness. No matter how difficult your process is, or has been, I challenge you to discover exactly what you are grateful for. I’ll take this a step further, what is it that you feel grateful for that directly relates to your difficult divorce?
Are you grateful that you discovered a strength and resiliency that you never knew you had before? Is it your independent spirit that has surfaced which you appreciate? Maybe you are thankful that a pressing tension has been lifted, whether you chose to leave the marriage or not. Perhaps you are grateful that whatever held you back from accomplishing your goals in your past relationship has been removed and you are free now to make them happen. Has your divorce opened you up and made you more comfortable asking those close to you for emotional support? Are you beginning new friendships? Can you now relate to your children in a more open and relaxed manner than previously?
There are countless more divorce related reasons to feel gratitude during Thanksgiving and always. It’s up to you to find them. The negatives may jump out first, so dig past them and choose gratitude. I learned to do it, and I know you can too.
Heidi Krantz is a Professional Life Coach with specialties in Divorce, Communication, and Dating. She is the founder of Reinvention Life Coaching, a well known speaker, and a published author. Heidi practices in Long Island and Manhattan as well as via telephone, skype, or facetime for distant locations. She offers workshops and seminars throughout the New York area and via teleconference. www.reinventionlifecoaching.com
{3:00 minutes to read} In mediation, everything is admissible. Whatever the parties feel is important to them or the issues that they want to resolve can be put on the table and discussed during the session.
In litigation, when you go to court, there are things that are not admissible. What may be important and relevant to a party, a judge can say is not relevant no matter what it is. Whether it’s finances or what one spouse did to the other, the litigation process restricts what can and cannot be admitted.
I had someone ask me earlier if I had any resources on kids during divorce. My first reaction was to say that, although I’m a child of divorce, I don’t really have any experience as the adult in that situation.
But then I asked what grade the kid in question was in.
And once I received the answer of 8th, I realized that I do have some insight. Even though they’re not my kids and it’s not my divorce impacting them, I have 15 years of witnessing the ways that teenagers deal with their parents’ divorce.
It is so difficult to tease out any acting out caused by the divorce from normal teenage behaviors. Well, as normal as they can be when their prefrontal cortex is not completely formed.
Teenagers are not in their right minds. Literally.
But I do see patterns of behavior that often signal that a divorce…
Scan any list about the most important elements of a happy marriage and effective communication will be somewhere between “shared values” and “physical intimacy.” Its ubiquitous inclusion is not because relationship writers are lazy. It’s because communication truly is key in any relationship. Especially one where you face each other every day prior to morning coffee, tackle everything from kitchen remodels to retirement plans and expose your greatest vulnerabilities and dreams.
The reason that communication can become a point of contention in a relationship is that while talking is easy,
Listening is hard.
And taking responsibility for our own emotions and responses is harder still.
But that doesn’t mean that everything to do with improving your communication has to be hard. Here are ten easy hacks to start improving the communication in your marriage beginning today:
Use Figurative Language
Feeling misunderstood is extremely frustrating. And it’s easy to get caught…
September 15, 2015– Have you been through a Divorce? Do you have a story to share? Advice that can help others? We are always looking for personal, helpful stories that can make the journey through and after Divorce easier for other families. Please submit them to us at: livingwithdivorce@gmail.com
He Said/She Said 